


You’ve Got a Beautiful Brain (But It’s Disintegrating)

by sahlo_folina



Series: pick it all up and start again [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Jason Todd, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29271759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sahlo_folina/pseuds/sahlo_folina
Summary: Roy glances up at him. “You kinda suck at emotions, Jaybird.”“Tell me something I don’t know.”
Relationships: Roy Harper/Jason Todd
Series: pick it all up and start again [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149674
Comments: 3
Kudos: 79





	You’ve Got a Beautiful Brain (But It’s Disintegrating)

**Author's Note:**

> title is taken from Medicine by Daughter (also i highly recommend listening to that song while reading this because it’s lowkey my entire inspiration for this fic)

He looks so peaceful. Eyes closed, his chest rises and lowers gently in rhythm with the beeping of the machines. His hair is splayed across the pillow, the bright red in sharp contrast against the bleak whites and grays of the hospital room.

Jason hates it.

Jason hates everything about it: the room that smells like chemicals; the incessantly beeping machines; the doctors and nurses that keep disrupting Jason’s thoughts with their suspicious glances, the way they sigh when they look at the monitors and scribble useless notes on their stupid clipboards and ask Jason for the millionth time if he’s quite sure he wants to stay the night, after all the patient won’t be waking up for a few days yet and you need your sleep too, sir.

That’s another thing Jason hates. The way they call him ‘the patient’.

 _His name is Roy,_ he wants to scream at them. But they’re already skittish, already just one threatening look away from calling the cops. So he stays quiet, nods or shakes his head when they ask him questions, and keeps sitting beside Roy.

Maybe there’s a tiny, shameful part of him that hates Roy, too.

Jason knows it’s wrong. Knows it’s not Roy’s fault. But he can’t help feeling it, can’t help the thoughts that rush through his head, the voice that screams at Roy for being so weak.

_You were supposed to be the strong one._

He hasn’t left Roy’s side in days. Not since the very beginning, when he’d called Dick so Lian would have somewhere to stay. He’d had to be strong then, couldn’t show Roy’s daughter how absolutely terrified he was. He nearly broke down when Barbara laid a hand on his shoulder and promised to take care of Lian as best she could. Then Barbara left with Lian, and Dick pulled him into a hug and whispered “I’m sorry, Little Wing.” And then Jason had started sobbing, clinging to the man he hadn’t called brother in years. The man who had never stopped being Jason’s big brother, despite all the times Jason had hurt him.

Maybe, when all this was over, Jason will try to rebuild their relationship. Maybe one day he’ll finally tell Dick those words he never got a chance to say when he was a kid: _You’re my hero._

Maybe.

Jason catches himself dozing, quickly shaking himself awake. He’s barely caught a few minutes of rest the past few days. Every time he starts to fall asleep, his mind tortures him with images of that night. The night his whole world had crashed around him. The night he called the ambulance, and they rushed to the emergency room.

The night he found Roy, unconscious in the bathroom and surrounded by used needles.

He scoots his chair closer to the hospital bed, running his shaking fingers through Roy’s hair. His mind wanders to the night when they’d first kissed, only a of couple weeks ago.

  
  


_Jason finds Roy sprawled on the couch, watching some crappy sitcom. He tosses his jacket on the kitchen table and Roy jumps at the sound, glaring up at him._

_“I know I have you the key, but the least you could do is knock.”_

_Jason smirks. “Honey, I’m home.”_

_Roy rolls his eyes, motioning Jason to sit down. Jason takes off his boots and flops next to Roy, sighing. Roy’s expression softens. “Rough night?”_

_“Just a few bruises. I’m fine.” Roy’s quiet for a long time, and Jason’s just started dozing off when Roy’s voice breaks the silence._

_“You don’t have to be. You know that, right?”_

_Jason frowns. “What do you mean?”_

_Roy avoids meeting his eyes. “I just- I just wanna make sure you know that I’m here for you, if you need me.” Roy glances up at him. “You kinda suck at emotions, Jaybird.”_

_“Tell me something I don’t know.”_

_They stare at each other for a second before bursting into laughter. Jason takes a moment to really look at Roy for the first time since he walked in the door. Roy’s hair is a rat’s nest of tangles, and he’s wearing one of Jason’s old hoodies that’s two sizes too big for him and a worn pair of sweatpants that Jason’s pretty sure he remembers belonging to Dick when Jason was Robin. Even while he’s laughing, exhaustion is plainly written across his face._

_Jason’s never seen a more beautiful person._

_Their laughter subsides, and Roy shifts closer, resting his head on Jason’s shoulder. “Stay on your side of the couch, idiot,” Jason says on autopilot, trying to ignore the fluttering feeling in his stomach. He curses the part of himself that won’t stop thinking about how nice Roy’s hair smells, how incredibly close Roy is right now._

_Roy chuckles. “You’re a bad liar.” He raises his head to look Jason in the eye, and their faces are only inches apart and Jason can’t breathe. “I love you.” Roy’s voice is barely above a whisper, and Jason’s still trying to formulate a coherent thought when Roy kisses him and everything flies from his brain._

_Jason’s kissed people before. He’s forced himself to try to be normal, try to push past the feeling of wrongness, try to love how everyone else loves. It’s always felt unnatural, uncomfortable. He stopped trying years ago, when he realized he was never going to feel that way about anyone._

_Kissing Roy is different._

_Kissing Roy feels right._

_Kissing Roy feels like home._

_Minutes, days, years pass before they pull apart. Jason rests his forehead against Roy’s, unable to keep the smile off his face._

_“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”_

_“Me too.” Jason runs his fingers through Roy’s tangled hair. “Look, what you said before we- I don’t know if I can-”_

_“It’s okay, Jaybird. I just wanted you to know.” Roy kisses his cheek, and he’s being so gentle that Jason wants to cry._

_“I just need time.” Time to calm down, time to figure out what he’s feeling, time to gather the courage to let himself be in love for the first time in his life._

_“I know. You don’t have to say it until you’re ready.”_

Jason kisses Roy’s forehead, tears streaming down his face. “Don’t leave me. Please. You can’t die before I say it back.”

**Author's Note:**

> for anyone who’s curious: i headcanon jason as aroace but i also love this ship so like,, i like thinking of roy as the only person jason’s ever been attracted to. one might even say that jason is,,,,,, _roymantic_
> 
> [i have a tumblr!](https://hushlittlewing.tumblr.com/)


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